This hilarious piece, circulating on the net, was supposedly written by a Dutchman - an IT guy - who spent two years in Hyderabad, India. 

Driving in India 

For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring
to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. 

They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a
vehicle is only marginally safer.. 

Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you
do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. 

The hints are as follows: Do we drive on the left or right of the road?
The answer is 'both'. 

Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. 

In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. 

Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess.

Simply trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed.
Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.
Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the generally intended direction. 

Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a belief in reincarnation,

the other drivers are not in any better position. 

Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. 

You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.
Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, 

but then, let us not talk ill of the dead. 

Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. 

We honk to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), 

or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar. 

Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rainwater to recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage. 

Occasionally, you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking coloured lights and weird sounds emanating from within. 

This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at
breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success. 

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw
and an automobile. This three-wheeled vehicle works on an external 
combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote.
This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers
three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After
careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into
these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in
contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into
the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other
vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the
peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton 's
laws of motion enroute to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road
rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate. 

Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like
an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels
at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a
ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they
would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are
often 'mopped' off the tarmac. 

Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and
during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers
hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the
overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying
laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many
Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of
these buses by a width of three passengers. 

One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in
their otherwise drab lives.. Don't stick to the literal meaning and
proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you
cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in
reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. 

Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also. Rash and
fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a
'speed breaker'; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers
the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for
easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to
recover the pipe for year-end accounting. 

Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience for
those with the mental make up of Genghis Khan. In a way, it is like
playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the
drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns
out to be 
a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly
into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. 

Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink
your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is
the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at
the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a
naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to
kill. 

Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet
above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching
you With a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right
one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point
posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.
During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers
will never show any Signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals;
they are the greater threat). 

Only, you will often observe that the cleaner who sits next to the
driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely
not to Be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an
statement of physical relief on a hot day. 

If, after all this, you still want to drive in India , take your lessons
between 8 pm and 11 am - when the police have gone home and - The citizen
is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in the
constitution.

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